


Cut Here

by crotchety_old_emu



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Fusion, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 02:23:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13988490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crotchety_old_emu/pseuds/crotchety_old_emu
Summary: sometimes, remembering how much someone really means to you, means forgetting all about them first.





	1. part one

**Author's Note:**

> written in 2011 for [spn_cinema](http://spn_cinema.livejournal.com). beautiful artwork by [amie](http://amindaya.livejournal.com) can be found [here](http://amindaya.livejournal.com/12235.html).

keep on making the same mistakes  
keep on aching the same heartbreak  
i wish if only  
if only is a wish too late  
**cut here - the cure**

**1.**

'Wait, wait, I got it,' he hears Jensen say - first thing he's said ever since Jared has arrived - and suddenly the giant Buddha statue he's been trying to lift into the moving van isn't so heavy anymore.

Jared wishes he wouldn't help. He's going to have to get the damn thing out by himself anyway, Jensen's not going to be there to help him then. So he doesn't need Jensen to make it any harder than it already is and he certainly doesn't need Jensen's compassion.

'So,' he says when the Buddha is finally stowed away safely. He swipes a hand through his hair. It's blue today - nothing says indifference like blue does. 'Is that everything?'

Jensen hasn't dared look him in the eye even once, but he stares now. Just for a second before glancing at the hallway behind them. It had been filled to the brim with Jared's stuff when he'd arrived a couple of hours ago. Now it looks empty and sad. Jared knows the feeling.

It's weird. Jared knows things weren't going too well between them, knows that they fought a lot at the end, but never once had it crossed his mind that Jensen could break up with him. Yet here they are: moving van full, hallway empty, heart ... Well. And the worst thing is, he should have seen it coming. They'd been together for nearly two and a half years, and up until the last couple of months, ... It wasn't perfect, but it was good and Jared had really thought they could get back to that, one way or another.

'Well,' Jared says and nods. He turns his back to Jensen, ready to get into the moving van and drive away to his own tiny, hot and overpriced apartment, where the walls are orange and the windows don't close properly. Just before he opens the door, Jensen stops him.

'How are the dogs?'

Jared freezes, then sighs heavily. Really? That's what he wants to talk about? The dogs?

'They're good,' he chokes out, only half turning back to face Jensen. 'They seem to think my place is a bit crowded with the three of us, but there's a nice park across the street for them to stretch their legs. It's okay for now.'

'For now?' Jensen parrots. 'You're thinking of moving?'

'It's a shitty apartment. It doesn't even fit all my stuff, let alone me and my two big dogs.' Jared shrugs. 'Nothing keeping me here either.'

Even as he's finishing his sentence, he tries to get into the van again, but Jensen puts a hand on his arm. Jared tries his best not to flinch.

'Jared,' he says, he sounds desperate. 'I'm sorry, I didn't - You know it's not your fault, right? It's all me. It was just all a bit much for me, that's all. Maybe we could -'

'It's okay,' he says quickly, shaking off Jensen's hand. Jared gets into the van before he gets a chance to speak again. If he has to listen to him suggesting they could still be friends, he thinks he's going to die. If there's one thing worse than not having Jensen, it's not having all of him, and he won't be forced into a friendship just to make Jensen feel better. He wouldn't be able to handle it, either.

He knows - he's always known - that he's different and flaky and just not an easy person. Jensen is the exact opposite of him, in every single way: he's quiet and thoughtful, weighs every word carefully before he speaks, he makes plans and he draws up lists and it was just a matter of time before Jared's complete lack and incapability of any of those things would scare him off. Jensen had tried very hard not to be freaked, and he'd fought valiantly to integrate Jared's kookiness into his life, and when that didn't work, he tried to help him get some kind of regularity in his way of living, but it didn't help. Because if there's one thing about Jared that never changes, it's that he never stops changing.

Jared knows that not everyone can handle that. Very few can, actually. So he can't blame Jensen for a single thing. All of it, everything that went wrong, it completely comes down to Jared himself.

Perhaps that's another thing that never changes.

**2.**

It's somewhat of a relief, now that his stuff is out of Jensen's house and back in his own apartment - or some of it, at least. Most of it's in storage, because he just doesn't have the space. But perhaps now he can start over, get away from Jensen entirely and make this new situation work.

Even though they broke up a while ago and Jared's been back in his apartment ever since, life there hasn't made sense. He'd only been living at Jensen's place for a good nine months, but even so, Jared feels like he'll never get used to being on his own again.

And that's unsettling. Jared has always been the guy that could adapt to any situation and make himself fit in perfectly, like he'd always been there. That's what he does. Jared needs to try everything once and the moment he feels he's seen it all, he's gone to find something new. That's what life is all about. So living in this shitty apartment, alone, should just be the next thing on the list for him to conquer and then move on from - another story for him to tell years from now.

Except Jared has no idea how to get past this. He feels out of place and awkward in his own home, like a square peg in a round hole. And he doesn't like it - doesn't like any of it. He doesn't like that when he gets up out of bed and turns around, he's basically in the shower. He doesn't like how the hideous orange color of the walls clashes with the green window frames. He doesn't like how it's continuously hot, even though the windows don't close properly. He doesn't like how the water in the shower is freezing unless he turns on the stove, which makes it even continuously hotter and then he has to shower again and - It's a vicious circle.

Jared doesn't do circles. He does twists and turns, corners and detours, but he never ends up back where he started. It doesn't make sense that life in a relationship, with someone who has basically made his life's work out of making circles, fits him better than a life where he's completely free.

Deep down, Jared knows why. He has never settled and has never meant to do so, he's never gotten particularly attached to people outside his family and he's never felt the need for it. Of course, he's got friends and he can pretty much get along with just about everyone on the planet. But when it comes to long-lasting relationships, Jared had been on uncharted territory when he'd met Jensen. He had never been around anyone long enough to get into one, for starters, and he'd always known that it was going to be hard for someone to accept that about him.

And then there was Jensen, who'd invested in him anyway, even though it has been more than just hard. Jared knows that Jensen had given it his all and now he's left wondering if he himself did. Maybe if he'd tried harder, compromised more and had been more consistent, then Jensen wouldn't have given up on him.

He's pretty sure about that, actually.

*

'Let me take you out,' Sandy nearly begs. Jared doesn't even know why he answered the phone. He knew it was gonna be Sandy and he knew what she was going to say. 'Or let me come over so we can watch a ridiculous slasher movie.'

'Sandy, no,' he says. He tries to be firm, but he just can't muster the energy so it sounds flat and listless. He loves her dearly, she's the only person who's stood by him all his life without being connected to him by blood, but he can only have this conversation so many times before getting sick of it. 'I'm fine.'

'Okay,' she says, sarcasm dripping from her voice. 'That convinced me.'

'San, just don't, please,' he whines, rubbing his eyes. 'I can't - I'm crap company right now anyway.'

'It's not about being good company, you jerk,' she says. She sounds angry, but Jared knows her well enough to hear she's teasing. 'If I wanted that, I wouldn't have called you in the first place.'

'Yeah,' he confirms. He wants to smile, he really does, because this is the kind of thing that makes him smile, makes him laugh out loud if he's in a good mood, but somehow, his brain just isn't sending the signal through to his lips.

He can hear Sandy sigh. 'I know you're feeling shitty right now. I just want to be there for you.'

'I know that,' he admits. 'But I don't wanna be around anyone, for a while. Not until I get the hang of living my life again.'

'Jared, your life changes every two weeks or so,' she argues. 'It's not consistent enough for you to get the hang of. One month you're a dog-walker and the next you want to be a journalist and that's all fine. But if you're waiting for your life to feel like it's normal again, you're going to be waiting a very long time because the only thing that's been a constant in your life is Jensen.'

'And maybe that's the problem,' Jared tries, hoping to convince Sandy. Then maybe he can believe it himself. 'Maybe I've just had too much of a constant in my life. It's made me lose track of who I am, you know?'

'No, Jared, I don't know,' Sandy says. She sounds pained and tired. 'Because that doesn't make any sense, not even for you. You lost Jensen and he was good to you. He was good _for_ you. I know you and I know you're hurting. Take a moment to get through that.'

'I've been taking too many moments. I've been standing still for ages, Sandy,' Jared says, agitated. 'It's time for something new.'

'If you say so,' she says in a sing-song voice, clearly just to please him. 'Have you even talked to Jensen since you moved out?'

'When I picked up my things. We didn't speak much,' he says quietly.

'Did he say anything about breaking up with you?'

'He tried, but there's nothing to say, really.' Jared shrugs and switches his cell to his other ear - his left is red and hot from talking on it. 'It's done.'

'God, it is far from done!' Sandy says, loudly. 'I haven't seen you in ages, neither have Tom and Mike. Your sister didn't even know you and Jensen split up, I had to tell her. It is far from over and it won't be until you deal with what happened.'

'I am dealing!' Jared yells. 'This is how I deal!'

'You're not dealing, Jared, you're running away, just like you always do!'

He's quiet for a while - he doesn't want to say anything to Sandy, even if he knew what to say - and so is she. He can hear her breathing heavily on the other end, though, as if she knows she's gone too far.

'I'm sorry, but-' she hesitates, waits for a moment like she expects him to interrupt or perhaps even hang up on her. Jared doesn't speak either, though, he wants to know how she's going to talk herself out of this one. 'Perhaps you shouldn't have given up on Jensen so easily. I've known you all my life and I know that the moment you feel stuck, you turn tail and run. Somehow, you keep thinking that if you don't do it first, we'll be the ones to leave you.'

'Sandy, that's bullshit,' he says angrily. He has no idea where she even got that. 'And even if it was true, Jensen did leave.'

'Jay, even I can still feel you keeping a distance and I've learned to deal with it eventually, but I'm just a friend,' Sandy tells him. 'I don't think I'd be able to deal with that if you were my boyfriend. You're constantly looking for something new and different, trying to make changes before the changes might sneak up on you.'

'That's not true,' Jared says and pretends he doesn't hear how his voice breaks.

'Did you tell him you didn't want to leave?' Sandy asks carefully and quietly. 'Did you tell him you still love him?'

'Who says I didn't wanna leave?' Jared fires back, completely ignoring the second question Sandy asked him.

'You really need me to answer that?'

Jared doesn't speak. What could he say, really? Why should he have said anything to Jensen? If he wanted to break up, then who's Jared to stand in the way of that? It just wasn't meant to be, that's all. It was a wake-up call, he'd been doing the same thing for too long already.

'It takes two to make a relationship work, Jared,' she tries once more. 'It doesn't happen by itself.'

He hangs up. Sandy doesn't know what she's talking about.

*

He does a few outrageous things that he can't afford in the next week, but he needs to do them. Because he wants to make a clean break and start over. Because he can't let this be the time after Jensen dumped him and he felt like nothing could ever again be exciting in the world. Now: it's the time when he painted his walls minty green so they at least kind of match the flaking window frames. It's the time when Jared actually doesn't dye his hair for the first time in years and when he gets a good inch cut off, as well. It's the time when he quits his job. Again.

It sounds unreasonable and uncalled for, Sandy tells him that at every opportunity, but he can't let things stay the way they are. If he does, they'll never change again and he'll spend the rest of his life feeling as cornered, trapped and helpless as he does now. So everything has to be different. He'll go traveling again, see some parts of the world he hasn't yet seen. Maybe he'll go to college again and complete one of the three studies he started and dropped out of.

Maybe he won't.

**3.**

He didn't mean to do it. He really, honestly didn't. 

He meant to go over to Mike and Tom to vent and moan and probably be scolded for being such a wet blanket - and now, all of a sudden, he's standing at Jensen's front door. Force of habit, Jared thinks, it has to be. He can't think of another reason why he walked up this driveway and not the next like he should have.

Well. Maybe except what Sandy told him over the phone. It's been on his mind ever since, he can't forget about it. He doesn't think she's right exactly, not about the running and not about him. But he does want some closure, wants to talk to Jensen one more time to just tell him that he's sorry. He's here now anyway.

It's weird, ringing the doorbell. He didn't even know what kind of sound it makes - he never once used it. Even when he didn't really know Jensen yet, he walked in easily. And when he moved in, he had a key. He's still not used to that, that this is not his home anymore. It still feels like it.

Jensen takes a minute to answer the door, but when he does, Jared is stunned. He looks healthy and happy, not at all like the last time he'd seen him, when he'd looked as if he'd been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He smiles at Jared, takes him in from head to toe as if he's never seen him before.

'Yes?' he says when Jared doesn't speak first.

'Jensen, I -' he manages after almost a full minute of stammering. 'You look. You look good.'

Jensen's smile fades quickly and the broody look Jared's come to know so well is back. 'That is, that is really creepy. What are you talking about?'

'I'm sorry,' Jared says hastily, waving a hand. 'I know that's a weird thing to say, considering - I just couldn't help - Can we talk?'

'About what?' Jensen frowns, closes the door just a centimeter and that sets off alarm bells in Jared's head.

'Us.' Jared thinks that should've been obvious. 'I know I was a real jerk last time, but I just needed some time to think, you know.'

'You think you're being funny?' Jensen asks, voice growing louder. 'I don't even know you.'

Jared has to take a step back at that, it feels like Jensen literally punched him in the face. 'Wow, Jen, that's pretty harsh. I know I messed up, but -'

'Did Tom and Mike put you up to this?' he cuts across Jared, peering over his shoulder and at his neighbors' house. 'Is this some kind of a prank?'

'No! You'd think I'd joke about something like this?' Jared asks, holding out his hands. 'Jesus. If you don't wanna talk to me, then just say it. Don't play games.'

'Play games?' Jensen repeats incredulous. 'You're the - I don't have time for this.'

He makes to close the door entirely, but Jared jams his foot in between. 'Jensen, what the hell, man? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I did. It'll be different now.'

'Different from what?' Jensen yells from behind the door, still pushing to close it. 'Listen, pal, I don't know how you know my name and I don't know who you think I am, but you've got the wrong guy. Get the hell out of here before I call the cops.'

He tries shutting the door again, pushes against it with all his strength and Jared can't keep holding it open, not without breaking his foot. So he pulls back. 'Jensen!' Jared cries, but there's no response. He doesn't go away, though, he's still standing at the door, leaning against it and hoping it will open again.

'Jared,' he suddenly hears.

It's Mike, standing in his driveway with a briefcase in one hand, a blazer draped over the other. He looks white as a sheet.

'What are you doing?'

'I was trying to talk to Jensen,' he says dejectedly, 'but he doesn't appear to wanna talk to me.'

'What did he say?' Mike asks, cocking his head to one side. He looks nervous.

'Nothing,' he says with a shrug, then continues in a louder voice, talking with his face towards the door. 'He's behaving like a real child and pretending he doesn't know me.'

'Oh dear.' Mike sighs. 'Come over to our place for a sec. We've got beer in the cooler.'

'I don't want beer,' Jared says, annoyed. Surely Mike must understand. 'I wanna talk to Jensen.'

'Yeah,' he says and nods. 'I think you'll want it after we've talked to you.'

'Wait,' Jared says, slowly turning away from Jensen's house. 'Do you know something that I don't?'

'Just come,' Mike says. He looks defeated and depressed, so Jared follows him.

*

> _Jensen Ackles has had Jared Padalecki erased from his memory. Please never mention their relationship to him again. Thank you.  
>  _
> 
> _Lacuna Ltd._

'We got it a couple of days ago,' Mike says as he throws it onto the kitchen table in front of him.

'Right,' Jared says and nods, even if he doesn't know why he's nodding at all. Because it's not right and it doesn't make sense in the least. 'Right.'

'We shouldn't have told him,' Tom says to Mike, talking over Jared's head. 'It's cruel.'

'This is cruel?' Mike spits angrily. 'How about wiping the memories of your ex and leaving your friends to clean up the mess. If we are cruel, it's because Jensen forced us to be.'

'I get that,' Tom starts, 'but it doesn't -'

'Is it real?' Jared interrupts. He rubs his eyes and reads it again, just to make sure he's not making it up. It still says the same thing. 'Maybe it's just, maybe it's a joke.'

'What kind of terrible joke would that be?' Mike asks. 'You can't look at this any way that would make it funny. Especially not after the encounter you've just had with him.'

'So he wasn't playing -' Jared stops to breathe. It's like there's not enough oxygen in the room, all of a sudden. 'He really doesn't remember me? How's that even possible?'

'I don't know,' Tom says softly, shaking his head. 'I called the company and they confirmed it was legit. It's real: Jensen got his memories of you erased.'

'You can't tell him,' Mike tells him, voice firm and serious. 'It could do some serious damage, the doctor said.'

'What? Even more?' Jared blurts, incredulous. They completely killed their relationship, what more damage was there to be done?

God. How the hell did it come to this? Erase him? Had things been so bad between the two of them that Jensen needed to forget all of it? Was it that unbearable?

Before he's even properly thought about it, he finds himself back at Jensen's front door, knocking at it with all his might. He still feels his blood pulsing in his arms, sees angry red stripes when he looks down. He supposes Tom en Mike have tried - in vain - to hold him back.

Jared's never one to use force, he will always try to talk things over, try to reason with people before he'll get into a fight - if he doesn't walk away from it in the first place. But if he does choose to put his height and strength into it, there's no way you'd win. So he's not surprised that the two men are staring at him, Tom standing at their front door, Mike in the middle of Jensen's lawn.

'Listen,' Jensen says as he opens the door with probably more force than he should have. 'I don't-'

And then Jared looks at him again. He really does look good. He looks healthy and happy and definitely like he's been working out. It seems he's a different man from the Jensen Jared used to be with - someone who walks through life with a spring in his step and a smile on his face. And if he's the one that has taken that away from Jensen, if he's the one that made Jensen unhappy enough to completely erase that part of his life from his memory, then Jared's not going to stand in the way of that. He still loves Jensen too much.

'I'll leave,' he says, defeated, hurt and sad. He tries keeping it out of his voice and face, but when he feels a tear run over his cheek, he gives up entirely. He doesn't have the strength to keep fighting, not when he sees the look on Jensen's face, the complete lack of recognition in his eyes. Jensen clearly wanted him out of his life, if that's what he wants, then that's what he gets. Jensen seems a bit shaken too, at Jared's soft words. 'I'll leave. But I just don't - What was so bad that we couldn't talk about, Jensen? That you had to erase it all? If I - If. I'm sorry.'

And at that point, Jared feels his voice give out entirely. He can't speak at all, even if he knew what to say. He just shakes his head and walks away from Jensen. Forever.

**4.**

He doesn't walk far, though. He doesn't have energy. So he just muffs back to Mike and Tom's. They've been expecting him, apparently, there's another beer waiting for him on the table.

'And?'

Jared just raises his eyebrows at Tom and sinks down into a chair. What did they think was gonna happen? That the memories would just magically return if Jared yelled at him long enough?

The card is still on the table. He stares at it for a while, memorizing it, even though he's sure he got it the first time. He could never forget what's on it.

 _Jensen Ackles has had Jared Padalecki erased from his memory._ That has to be the single most inane and ridiculous sentence in the history of the English language.

'He let someone get into his head and take bits out,' he says after a long silence, mostly to himself. He feels he has to keep repeating it until he finally believes it. 'He let people tamper with his memories - I mean. He felt that letting someone laser his fucking brain was better than remembering me. What did I miss? I never thought things were that bad between us.'

'Because they weren't, Jared,' Tom says and rubs a hand over his face. 'When that letter came, I genuinely thought it was a prank, like you did. But then when he came over later that evening...'

'I just don't understand why he didn't talk about it with us, you know?' Mike says. He's calm and solemn. Jared's never seen him like that before; usually Mike's all about innuendo and lame jokes, but there's not even a smile on his face now. 'We maybe could've helped him. He told us he just wanted to forget about the whole thing, but you never think to take it literally.'

'Don't beat yourself up about it,' Jared says and shrugs. 'When I think about it, he was - he really wanted to get rid of my stuff, you know. I thought he just didn't want my mess cluttering up his house, that it was necessary for him to move on or something. But maybe he just couldn't bear the thought of knowing me anymore. Maybe he just wanted me gone, in every way he could. Maybe he was sick and tired of me.'

'Come on, Jared, you know that's not true.' Tom shakes his head. 'You know this guy better than anyone on the planet. You know he's not like that. He felt awful after you guys broke up, he was an honest-to-God train wreck. If he thought this was the only way out, he must've been suffering a great deal more than we imagined.'

'And what's it like for me, you think?' Jared bites out. 'He chose this, not me.'

Mike pats him on the shoulder. 'We don't agree with what Jensen's done, at all. But that's taking it a bit far, don't you think?'

'No,' Jared replies, all the fight drained out of him. 'This is pretty much the only way I can make sense of it. And I get it, you know? I put Jensen through a lot of shit and he put up with it far better and longer than he ever should have. I get that he'd try and erase all that, start over and everything. It just a lot to deal with.'

'And you shouldn't think like that, either!' Tom says loudly. 'Jay, it's not your fault. And it's not Jensen's. This isn't black and white, man. Break-ups never are. It's a little bit of you and a little bit of him and a lot of different circumstances that made you split up. And I get where the both of you are coming from; it hurts, and I get that Jensen wanted to put it behind him, but the way he did was wrong.'

'It was stupid and selfish of him - he didn't only screw you over, you know. We're friends with both of you, what the hell are we supposed to do? You met at our wedding, for Christ's sake. You're making googly eyes at each other in half the pictures we took. What if he ever asks to see them?'

'He already did,' Tom says, taking a swig of his beer. He points at their wedding photo on the wall. 'He came over a couple of days ago, when you were at work. Saw that picture and said he couldn't remember a single second from that night.'

'What did you tell him?'

'I made up some cock-and-bull story about him being drunk off his ass, said that the album was with your mother and that she was making a scrap-book.'

'He bought that?' Jared asks.

'I think so.' Tom shrugs. 'But he's been asking after the story, wants to know why he drank so much, what happened. I don't know what to tell him.'

'You know what, I wanna see this doctor,' Jared says, suddenly angry. 'I wanna see what he has to say for himself. He can't just do this - mess up lives and damage brains - and get away with it. I mean, is it even legal what he's doing? Or safe?'

'You think that's such a good idea?' Tom asks. 'If this is what the guy does for a living, I'm pretty sure people are storming into his office from dawn till dusk. He's probably got security and everything.'

'You think that's gonna stop me?' Jared asks, snatching the letter up from the table and walking away.

**5.**

Morgan's practice is in a big house just a few blocks from where Mike and Tom and Jensen live - he actually knows it, passed it a million times. He just never stopped to think about what "lacunar specialist" might mean. Now that he knows, it makes him want to rip the plaque off the wall with his bare hands.

He bursts in - turns out the security Tom was talking about really isn't anything to write home about- he storms past the redheaded girl at reception without saying a word and heads straight for the big glass door that says "Dr J.D. MORGAN" in white lettering. 

'Sir. Sir, no!' the secretary yells. 'Wait. You need an appointment! You can't go in there, sir! As you can see, doctor Morgan is -'

But Jared's already inside the office. The secretary couldn't have stopped him no matter what she did, he would've walked through the glass door if he had to.

'I'm so sorry, doctor Morgan,' she says, annoyed and embarrassed. 'I tried. He was too fast.'

Morgan, of course, saw him coming and is looking up at him from behind his desk, face friendly and curious. He turns to his secretary and smiles, shakes his head at her to tell her it's okay.

He doesn't at all look the way Jared had expected he would. He doesn't look old, short, pudgy or boring. He's not creepily pale and he's not bald. Instead, he looks healthy and not much over ten years older than him, even in spite of his graying beard and hair. His eyes are big and brown and from what Jared can gather, he's quite tall too.

He does wear glasses, though.

'I don't wanna bother you, I just need a minute,' Jared says quickly. When he sees the doctor eye his secretary, he adds, 'Please. I'm not looking for trouble.'

Morgan gives him a hard stare, as if he's scanning Jared with his eyes to see what he's dealing with here, and finally nods at his secretary. He turns to the girl that's still sitting on the other side of his desk, apparently frozen with fright.

When he looks at her more closely, Jared thinks it might not be fear that's made her so uncomfortable. Her cheeks are stained with mascara and her eyes look watery. 'I'm sorry to do this to you, Miss Cortese, but perhaps you do need a moment to recover, don't you think? Danneel here will take you out into the waiting area and get you something to drink. I'll come back to you in a moment, is that okay?'

The girl gives him a shaky nod and allows the secretary to lead her out of the room. Jared wants to yell after her, say something like, 'Don't do it!' or 'You have no idea how much you'll be hurting him', but he doesn't think she can take it in the state she's in.

When she's gone, he hears the doctor clear his throat, calling his attention back to him. He's still seated behind his desk, hands linked in his lap, and he peers up at him from over his glasses. 'So, what are you looking for?'

'Answers,' Jared says, still slightly out of breath. 'A solution.'

'I'm not sure I can give you the first,' Morgan says, frowning. 'But the second one is what we're all about.'

'No, no.' Jared waves a hand. 'I don't want my head to get messed with. I wanna talk about someone who already did.'

'Mister -' Morgan waits, simply looks at Jared and waits for him to supply his name, which he does almost automatically.

'Padalecki. Jared.'

'Mister Padalecki, I'm sure you know we can't do this. Doctor-patient confidentiality.' He seems to realise Jared's not going to give up easily, though, and gestures for him to take a seat in one of the chairs opposite him.

He hesitates for a moment, but then he does sit down, carefully and slowly, as if Morgan would disappear if he startled him with any sudden movements. 'And what if this person wanted his head unmessed with?'

'I find that doubtful,' Morgan answers, calm. Jared gets the impression it's not the first time someone's barged into his office with that question. 'Since they shouldn't know they got their heads messed with - as you so eloquently put it - in the first place.'

'But in theory,' Jared presses, 'is it possible?'

'That they remember? No,' Morgan tells him. Before Jared even gets to correct him, he continues. 'That they get the procedure reversed? Not that either.'

Jared closes his eyes and breathes deeply before deflating entirely. 'Of course.'

They're quiet for a moment as Jared tries to relax, tries to wrap his head around the fact that whatever they had - more than two years' worth of moments together - is completely gone for Jensen now. He can't understand what drove Jensen to do it and Jensen can never make him understand. It is just impossible to grasp what made Jensen come here, sit in this very chair perhaps, and ask this man to cut out pieces of his memories.

'I'm assuming we're talking about,' Morgan starts hesitantly, 'an ex-girlfriend?'

'Boyfriend,' Jared corrects, and then he adds, lamely, 'He doesn't remember me.'

'That is what our procedure does. When someone is not happy and wants to move on, we provide that possibility,' Morgan admits. 'We do warn our clients to stay away from situations in which they might encounter the removed object. How did you -?'

'I went over to his house,' Jared tells him, shakes his head. 'It's not his fault. His neighbors are good friends of mine, I meant to visit them but... Well. They showed me the letter.'

Morgan nods compassionately. 'I'm sorry you had to find out like that. Or that you had to find out at all. I'm willing to explain to you what we did, how we work, mister Padalecki, but other than that, I'm not sure what you expect from me.'

Jared heaves a heavy sigh and smiles mirthlessly. 'Honestly? I don't know either. It didn't really think before I came in here, I'm sorry. I tend to do that,' Jared says, but he doesn't really feel sorry about it. It's all just a bit too surreal for him to be anything but bewildered. 'I just don't understand. I didn't think that what we had was so bad that he had to get it removed, you know? But I suppose Jensen thought different.'

'You don't know that,' Morgan says, voice deep and soothing. Jared throws him a look, and he chuckles and admits, 'And I can't be sure about the contrary. But you'd be surprised. A lot of people come here, not because they don't love the person they want to forget, but because they love them so much. I've had to remove memories of siblings that people lost touch with, dogs that ran away, parents that died. Some people can't bear the loss and the pain that comes with it.'

'Not Jensen,' Jared says vehemently. 'He's the strongest person I know. He would've had to be to - Look. I'm not an easy person to live with. I'm generally pretty upbeat, you know, but I get bored easily. I'm like, I'm pretty high maintenance. And when I am down, I'm not just down. I am at rock bottom and I'm gonna camp out there for a while. Jensen wouldn't have stuck around as long as he had if he wasn't strong.'

'You seem to hold him in pretty high regard, still,' Morgan says. 'Even after breaking up.'

'Why wouldn't I? I really thought Jensen was it, you know. I _still_ -' And there his voice falters, his throat feels constricted, like he just swallowed a micro machine and it's stuck.

'There must be something wrong with him?' Morgan prompts. When he sees the look of horror on Jared's face that he even dare suggest such a thing, he laughs again. It's a low and hoarse rumble, coming right out of his chest. 'Something that you don't like as much as you like all the rest, then.'

'The fact that he erased me from his memories?' he bites out, eyebrows raised, but then he shrugs. He doesn't really have the energy to take it out on this man. 'No one is perfect, but there's a lot more wrong with me than there is with Jensen.'

Morgan takes him in for a moment. He doesn't say anything, he's just watching Jared as if he's studying a wild animal in its natural habitat.

'You still love him a great deal,' he says eventually. He's as calm as he has been throughout the entire conversation, but there's something about the way he looks at him that makes Jared frown. 'You're still hurting.'

'If this is news to you, you haven't actually been paying attention,' Jared tells him.

Morgan laughs again and shakes his head. 'What I mean is, you would like to get better. Move on from this, am I right?'

'Yeah, of course,' Jared says. 'But it's kind of hard if you can never go back and talk things over with your ex, perhaps work things out.'

'Then forget about it,' Morgan says casually.

'It's not that -' Jared starts, and then he freezes, eyes widening as it dawns on him. 'Wait. You're not saying I should -?'

'Why not?' Morgan asks him earnestly. 'You don't seem the kind of man that can easily let go of something. So here's the deal: you can go over what went wrong a million times in your head, you can keep blaming yourself and you can go over to Jensen and yell at him until you're blue in the face, it's not going to change anything. Or you can forget about it.'

Jared doesn't know what to say. It's true what Morgan says, about him and about the situation he's in, but erase his memories of Jensen? That's not even an option.

'Tell me why not.' Morgan says again.

'Because it's the exact cause of all of my problems,' Jared says. 'Jensen nearly broke me, erasing me from his memories. You're asking me to do the same to him?'

'Except Jensen doesn't remember you. He doesn't have any of the pain, any of the guilt that you're feeling right now,' Morgan states. 'Because to him, none of it ever happened.'

'He doesn't remember any of the good parts either,' Jared counters angrily. 'And there were far more of those than there were bad moments, as far as I'm concerned. I don't wanna lose that. I _can't_ lose it.'

'Okay.' Morgan smiles again, raises his hands in surrender. 'That's absolutely fine. But when you feel you can't take it anymore, you know where to find me. Treatment's on the house.'

Jared blinks. Did he hear that right? 'You're offering to treat me for free?' he chokes out eventually. 'Why?'

It's quiet for a long, awkward moment. Just when Jared thinks he won't get an answer, Morgan speaks. 'Because I know what it feels like to get left behind,' he says.

Jared's not sure, but he thinks he can see Morgan's eyes flicker over to his secretary on the other side of the glass door.


	2. part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written in 2011 for [spn_cinema](http://spn_cinema.livejournal.com). beautiful artwork by [amie](http://amindaya.livejournal.com) can be found [here](http://amindaya.livejournal.com/12235.html).

**6.**

The meeting with Morgan slips his mind pretty quickly, or at least his offer does. Jared wants to keep Jensen close, in every way he can. He wants to preserve what Jensen killed, try and save at least some parts of their relationship. He owes Jensen that. He firmly believes that.

Until he passes Jensen in the street. His eyes travel over Jared like they do over passing cars and advertisements: looking but never really seeing. He doesn't take anything about him in. Jared has to stop and lean against a building when he's passed him, take a moment to clench his jaws and bite back the tears - give himself a moment to remember that Jensen forgot.

Part of him wants nothing more than to run after him and strike up conversation. If it means he can talk to Jensen again, if this means that maybe they have another shot to do better this time, Jared will gladly pretend he doesn't know Jensen at all. He's just about to actually do it when he notices where Jensen is going.

He stops at a coffee shop, just a few buildings down the road. A guy that's been sitting outside with a news paper calls for him and gets up. He's got brown hair and big lips and eyes that Jared can even tell from a distance are blue. He's wearing a Marvin the Martian t-shirt. Jared doesn't know him, but he doesn't like him at all. Jensen seems to, though. He smiles at him, the way he used to smile at Jared and they kiss on the mouth.

Jared didn't even think there was anything left in him to break, but something does and he's not sure if it's all his bones or his spirit or his sanity or all of the above. He just turns around and walks straight over to Lacuna.

The secretary recognizes him. Her face - that was friendly and smiley just a few seconds ago, even though she was on the phone - falls immediately when she sees him: her jaws clench and her eyes narrow just slightly.

'Can I help you or are you going to storm into the doctor's office again?' she bites out.

'I'm sorry about that,' Jared says quietly. He gets that she's angry about it. 'I'd like to talk to doctor Morgan, if that's okay.'

She seems somewhat mollified by his apology and looks down in her diary. 'Do you have an appointment?'

'No, I,' Jared clears his throat. 'I kind of just - I was in the neighborhood.'

'Can't see him without an appointment,' she says simply, doesn't even bother looking up again.

'Yeah, okay, then if you'd like to make me one,' he tries, 'The doctor said he'd treat me for free. Is there anything I'd have to sign?'

'For free?' she asks, head snapping up. 'You're kidding, right?'

'No, that's what he said,' Jared says, jabbing a thumb in the direction of Morgan's office. 'Maybe he's changed his mind, I don't know.'

'I'll go check that first, if you don't mind,' she tells him haughtily. 'You can wait in the lounge, right around the corner.'

'Sure, thanks,' he says softly and muffs over to the little white armchairs.

There's quite a couple of people waiting, apparently. One woman is crying, dabbing at her face with a handkerchief as she keeps looking at a photo of twins. There's a man with a box in front of him that has a birdcage sticking out over the edges.

A guy passes by, looks right at Jared. To be polite, he nods at him, which makes the guy stop in his tracks. He's in a navy polo-shirt with yellow letters on it that say Lacuna. He's also wearing a silk golden scarf, casually draped over his shoulders, and a look on his face as if he's continually squinting at something. Jared can tell he works out, but even so, he's not particularly buff or well-built. He's got blond spiky hair and tiny beady eyes that Jared still can't really see, even though he's pretty much standing right in front of him now.

'Hey,' the guy says and smiles lazily.

'Hi,' Jared says and nods again.

The guy doesn't move. He shoves his hands in his pockets, which are only about a foot from Jared's face and keeps looking at him. Jared awkwardly picks up one of the magazines on the table next to him, hoping the guy will take a hint and leave.

'I'm Chad,' he tells him like it's supposed to make a big impression on Jared. 'I'm the tech.'

'Okay,' he says. 'I'm Jared.'

'Hi there, Jared,' Chad says cheerfully. 'You here for the procedure?'

'I think so, yes,' Jared answers, trying to keep his eyes from looking straight ahead.

'Great.' Chad leans in closer, a grin on his face. 'That means we get to spend a night together.'

'Excuse me?' Jared chokes out.

'When I erase your memories,' he says and winks at him.

'Mister Padalecki,' Danneel calls into the lounge, 'doctor Morgan will see you now.'

'Thanks,' he says and squeezes past Chad. Jared's never been so happy to be called into a doctor's office before.

*

'I want it done,' Jared says, ignoring how nervous and nauseous he feels. 'I want Jensen removed.'

'That's okay - that's good,' doctor Morgan says and he smiles at Jared.

'Why is that good?' Jared asks, perturbed. 'There's nothing good about this, I'm asking you to brain damage me because I cannot live with the emotional baggage I've got. How is that good?'

'It's good, mister Padalecki,' Morgan says calmly, linking his hands and resting them on his desk, 'because the procedure is already in process.'

'What?' Jared can't possibly describe the cold chill that settles over him at the words. It's like he's got ice water in his veins, all of a sudden, and like his heart is beating too loud and too hard and it's hurting him with every beat. But he can't move, he's literally frozen in his seat. Finally, he manages to choke out, 'That can't be, that's impossible.'

'I can assure you it is not. You don't remember it, because it has already been wiped off your hard drive, but you have given us all the details about your relationship with Jensen Ackles. You have left us your notes, his letters, your paintings and everything else that might remind you of him or of what you had together,' Morgan goes on, like nothing is wrong - like they aren't messing with Jared's brain at this exact moment. 'The memories have to be played again to be erased. This is simply a representation of the memory we're pulling out of your head right this instant. It feels real, because you're reliving it, mister Padalecki, but I can assure you it is not. You would, for instance, not be able to go outside or talk to anyone but me, because you didn't do it at the time the memory was created.'

'Then how do you explain this?' Jared asks, still hoping it is not true, even if some part of him realizes it has to be. 'I'm sure this conversation didn't take place exactly as we're having it now. I'm sure you never told me before I'm having my memories wiped.'

'That's true, but the memory is a fantastically complicated thing. It doesn't always record everything exactly as it happened. It creates its own image, based on facts, but also on the feelings that person is having at that time and the thoughts that are running through their head,' Morgan explains. 'It's partly that, and partly your brain trying to make sense of what is happening, trying to justify and interpret the invasion and erasure.'

'So right now, Chad is playing operation with my memories?' Jared asks again, just to be entirely sure. He hasn't even finished the question when he notices something has changed just at the edges of his vision. When he turns his head to look at it, it's still at the edge, like it's gone fuzzy, all of a sudden, like he's looking through a fish eye lens.

He turns towards Morgan again, still wants to get confirmation from him, but this time, his attention goes to the book case behind the doctor. All the titles of the books are slowly disappearing, slowly turning white and empty, one book after the other.

'I don't think I have to answer that,' Morgan says pleasantly.

Jared feels his stomach turn. Why did he let himself do this? Why did he think he wanted to do this, for Christ sake? They're in his head - it's never a good idea to let someone into your head! There are other ways to forget, he could have gone to the bar and drink beer and whiskey chasers until Jensen had drifted out of thoughts on a steady current of alcohol. It would've been less of a hassle, less unfamiliar. And safer too, probably.

'Actually,' Morgan says, as if Jared's just spoken, 'this treatment is on par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you haven't done before.'

They're reading his mind now too?

'We _are_ your mind,' Morgan clarifies. 'We're the images your mind is using to protect yourself and explain things to you, so it's only logical -'

But Jared doesn't hear the end of that sentence, he's already running out of the office, running and looking for a toilet, because he's most definitely going to be sick.

> **7a.**

Jared is going to be sick. He bursts into the apartment, so angry he could break something. 

'Jensen!' he yells. 'Jensen!'

'What? What is it?' Jensen hurries out of the kitchen, looking worried.

'What the hell is this?' he asks, as he digs into his bag and pulls out a black, sleek book.

Jensen gives him a look, as if he's gone mad. 'It's an organizer,' he says slowly, like Jared might not understand if he talked faster. 'It's a diary and address book and other stuff in one. It's really easy and color-coded. You could make it match your hair.'

'It's not funny, Jensen. You didn't even have to talk it over with me before putting it in my bag?' Jared spits. He's so angry, he can't even keep still. He has to pace all over the living room, just so he won't hurl the damn thing into one of Jensen's ridiculous art deco vases.

'I didn't think it was that big a deal.' Jensen shrugs. 'If you don't like it, throw it away, I was just trying to help.'

'That's not helping, Jensen. That's trying to change me,' he says angrily, pointing at him. He knows it's true - and Jensen has to know, as well. There's no denying it now. He's been waiting for Jensen to finally crack underneath Jared's chaos, he knew it was only a matter of time. He just can't quite believe Jensen would put the evidence in his shoulder bag. 'You know I don't live my life that way and that I don't want to. Didn't stop you. Because I don't quite fit into your life the way you'd planned it, do I? I was never quite what you pictured.'

'God, are we back here again?' Jensen rolls his eyes. 'Amazingly, a whole week has passed since you've accused me of not loving you for who you are. I'm out of arguments, Jared. You've heard them all before and clearly you don't think they're good enough.'

'Then find a good one now,' he bites out. It's not pleading if he sounds angry. 'Why are you still here? And don't say it's because you love me, because it's obvious that you don't.'

Jensen doesn't answer, he just shakes his head and lets his shoulders sag. He looks defeated and sad and Jared realizes that, somehow, but he can't care at the moment. Jensen should feel just as hurt as he does.

'I'll tell you why you're still here,' he hisses. He's not even thinking anymore, he's just letting the words pour out of his mouth. 'It's because you hate your miserable life and you wanna be around someone who's even more miserable than you.'

'Jared, what the hell?' Jensen's eyes are wide in astonishment, hands held up in a silent plea.

'And you believe that if you can fix me, you will feel better too, but guess what, Jensen. I'm not gonna make your life better,' Jared continues without hesitating. 'I'm not one of your little projects. I'm not something you can change and fix. I'm a person and this is who I am.'

'That's your excuse for everything, Jared!' Jensen yells back. 'Every time you hear something you don't like, that's what you come up with. You're like a child!'

'Excuse me?'

'I've been doing nothing but excuse you, I'm sick and tired of it. I keep trying to get you to understand that I care about you and that I really want to be with you, but every time I think I'm close, you pull away, no matter what I say or do. And you know why? Because you can't believe that I love you when you can't even love yourself.'

'I'm perfectly fine with who I am, you're the one with the issues.'

'Oh, right, that's me,' Jensen spits, sarcasm dripping from his voice. 'I'm the one who keeps dyeing my hair, trying to look different every day, trying to reinvent myself because I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. That's all me.'

He doesn't say anything to that, just stares at Jensen as if he's lost the ability to speak. And for a moment, he really has. He can't believe what he's just heard, what Jensen's just said to him. Of all people. 'You have no idea what you're talking about,' he says, voice shaking with emotion.

'Because you never tell me anything! You never open up!'

'And you do?'

'I share as much as I can, Jared, but it has to be a two-way street, because this isn't working.'

'I remember why,' Jared says, grabs his bag and leaves.

> **7b.**

He remembers this. It fills him with dread and longing and sadness, all at once. 

If there's one thing he gets to keep, only one memory - only one second of Jensen that won't be erased from his hard drive, he wants this to be it. He wants to yell it at Morgan, just beg to keep this, only this and then he'll never ask for another thing again - but he doesn't want to wake Jensen.

Jensen is magnificent - all the time, always, but especially now, when he's lying in bed next to Jared, still fast asleep. His face is half hidden in his pillow, hair sticking up at odd ends, mouth slightly parted and freckles standing out sharply because of the sunlight filtering through Jared's grimy and half-open windows. He is amazing and there's no reason whatsoever why he should be with Jared right now. But as long as he is, Jared doesn't want to question it.

Doesn't mean he doesn't, though.

They don't often stay at his place, simply because there's not enough room for two people and two dogs - even after he took most of his stuff with him to Jensen's house. He moved in there a couple of months ago, so he doesn't even know why they're here now. Jensen wanted him to give it up entirely, but Jared can't. Not yet.

Jensen never actually said he doesn't like it, but Jared can tell he feels uncomfortable here, like his fingers are itching to alphabetize everything. Looking at him now, Jared can't blame him. He looks ridiculously out of place here. The apartment is eclectic and messy and loud compared to Jensen's own clean, immaculately kept house. There's beaded curtains and wooden sculptures that Jared brought back with him from his travels. None of the chairs match. The doors actually fell off some of the kitchen cupboards, so you can just look right at his plates and mugs (which don't match either) and Jared knows it bothers Jensen - half of them are on the counter anyway, because Jared can't see the use of putting everything in an open cupboard. There's no method or system to it and that's something Jensen's not used to. But he doesn't say anything. He never does - he cleans up the mess if he ever gets a chance, shows Jared that it's possible to live differently, but they both know that two days later, things are back to how they were and Jensen doesn't complain about it. He lets Jared be Jared and that's more than anyone's ever done for him.

Jensen stirs then. He sighs deeply and stretches, cracking open one eye. 'Oh God,' he groans.

Jared chuckles. He knows, distantly, that this is not real, that he's just reliving memories created about a year ago, but he feels so happy to have Jensen next to him again, he can't bring himself to care. He just wants to roll with this one, feel as happy and safe and cared for as he did that morning. He wants to remember that it can be different. 'You're up early.'

'That's because you were thinking so loudly,' Jensen says, voice raspy. 'And your eyes were burning holes into my skin.'

He stares back at Jared for a while, as if to retaliate. But he's still got one eye squeezed firmly closed and Jared can't stop himself from bursting out laughing.

'So?' Jensen asks eventually.

'So what?' Jared frowns.

'So, what was it that had the cartwheels turning so much that it woke me from my peaceful slumber?' he prompts. 'I know how you work, Sasquatch. What's bothering you?'

'It's nothing.' He waves his hand. 'You know me, I'm a morning-person. I just didn't wanna wake you by getting up.'

'That turned out well,' Jensen says accusingly, but Jared can see him fight to stop the corners of his mouth from turning up in a smile. He closes his eyes again, breath evening out quite quickly. Jensen will never get the hang of mornings.

'Do you like my apartment?' Jared asks hesitantly after a moment.

'Do you really want me to answer that?' Jensen asks in reply, not even bothering to open his eyes.

'I don't like it either, you know,' he admits eventually. He's been in bed with Jensen a million times, spent so many nights with him before, but this is the first time he really feels naked. He's never shared his apartment like this with anyone, or his life, and it's uncomfortable and awkward. 'I know it should be tidier and that I should probably get rid of half the things I've got, but this is me, you know. When I look at this place, I feel like this is me. I don't think I can change that.'

'I don't want that to change, Jared,' Jensen says, sitting up for the first time. He snuggles closer, chin resting on Jared's chest. 'I don't like this apartment because it's an accident waiting to happen. The kitchen needs replacing, the shower's been leaking from God knows how long before I first came here and the water is always freezing. I wouldn't be surprised if the glass would fall out of the window frames one of these days.'

Jared nods, but doesn't say anything. He feels sad and rejected.

'I don't like this place because I think you're paying too much for it, because I want you to be safe and not hurt yourself or burn the place down,' he says earnestly, looking him straight in the eyes. 'But the stuff you've got in here, I love it. I think it needs sorting out, just a bit, but every single thing you've got has got a story and you tell them in a way I could listen to forever.'

'It's all crap what I say,' Jared confesses and rolls his eyes. 'One half's exaggerated and the other is made up.'

'I figured that out a long time ago, Sasquatch,' Jensen says, smiling warmly at him. 'Doesn't mean I like hearing it any less.'

'You really mean that?' Jared asks, straining his neck to get even closer to Jensen.

'Would I be here if I didn't?' Jensen asks in reply and kisses him lightly on the lips. 'You are perfect, Jared. I don't think my life will ever make sense again without your messes.'

Jensen kisses him again, heartfelt and intensely. His hands slowly trace his body as he does and for a moment, Jared allows himself to believe that it's all true - that Jensen never exaggerates and never makes things up.

He pulls the sheets over their heads, smiling.

> **7c.**

He's standing in the middle of Jensen's enormous kitchen, tea towel over his head for God knows what reason.

'In my living room? Jared?' he suddenly hears Jensen yell before he's even heard him enter the house. His voice is loud and slightly panicked. Jared's first reaction is to nearly fly out into the living room. 'Jared!'

'What? What is it?'

'There's a giant Buddha statue in my living room!' Jensen says, pointing at is, as if Jared could miss it if he didn't.

'I know, isn't it awesome?' Jared says happily. He loves the fucking thing, but his apartment is just too small to fit it anywhere. 'I found it at a flea market for like, five dollars, and then I spray painted it. I didn't mean for it to turn out so red, but for some reason, that's the only color that really stuck to the bronze.'

'Matches your hair,' Jensen says lamely, like that's the only thing he can think of saying about the statue.

'Today it does!' Jared says happily and shakes his head like a dog fresh out of water.

That seems to snap Jensen out of his stupor. 'That's great, Jared. What's it doing in my living room?'

'Well, it's mine and I put it there,' Jared says, waving the tea towel as he explains. 'Because I moved in.'

'You moved - you what?' Jensen gasps. 'Why?'

'Because you weren't gonna ask and I wasn't gonna wait for you to get a hint,' he says happily. 'I'm making dinner. Enchiladas.'

'Oh. Great,' Jensen says. He seems distracted for a moment. 'And why would I have had to ask you to move in?'

'You didn't have to ask, as you can see,' Jared says and gestures at the Buddha statue. 'But I wouldn't have minded you asking after a year and a half of some of the most serious dating I've ever done.'

'Right,' Jensen says absentmindedly and turns to look at the statue again. 'Right.'

'You sure?' Jared asks, suddenly nervous. 'You're okay with this, right? I mean, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think -'

'No, no, I-' Jensen turns back to him, shakes his head as if to clear it. Then he smiles. 'I didn't expect it, but I'm not unhappy about it. I'm actually - I think this could be great. For us.'

'Good,' Jared steps closer, one hand tugging on the tie Jensen's wearing. It's bright green - he bought it for him a couple of weeks back. Matches his eyes. 'I wouldn't have moved out anyway.'

Before they even get to kiss, Jensen suddenly steps back, frowns and asks, 'Where's my television?'

'Oh, I sold it,' Jared says and he can't stop himself from bursting into laughter when he sees the look on Jensen's face. He slaps him hard on the shoulder and laughs some more. 'Just kidding, babe. It's upstairs in one of those rooms you never use. But why would you need it when you could look at this beauty?'

'Sure, I'll - I'll learn to appreciate it, I'm sure,' Jensen says hesitantly.

The atmosphere suddenly changes and Jared feels nothing of the laughter that was coursing through his veins a few seconds ago. He feels defeated and sad, but also oddly fond of Jensen, who is trying so hard - and failing miserably - not to show him just how much he hates the Buddha. 'You never did, though, did you?'

Jensen looks up at him, not the Jensen he was talking to a second ago, but the Jensen he knows - the Jensen that hasn't left him yet, the one from before it all fell apart. The Jensen that remembers him. He sticks his hands in his pockets and shuffles his feet, as if he's embarrassed. 'Not really, no.'

'Not really?' Jared can't help but smile. 'You hated the fucking thing.'

'With a vengeance,' Jensen admits, for the first time. 'I had never laid eyes on something that ugly. And I was pretty sure I never would again.'

'Why didn't you say?' Jared asks. 'I would've gotten rid of it or put it in storage somewhere. Or moved it upstairs, God knows you've got plenty of space.'

'You loved the thing, you were so proud of it,' Jensen says and shrugs. 'I didn't have the heart to tell you.'

'You think I would've cared?' he says, raising his voice. 'I don't - what I care about is that we can talk to each other about everything. Whether it's moving in together or ginormous -'

He wants to gesture at the statue, wants to point at it to put more strength behind his words, but the thing is gone. There's just a big gaping nothing where it used to be. Jared's not even sure if he imagined that it was ever there.

'Where is it?' He rubs his eyes, blinks hard a few times, as if that would bring it back.

'Where's what?' Jensen asks, confused.

'The - the statue, it's gone,' he says, frantically.

'What statue?'

'The Buddha - the red Buddha. The one you hate,' Jared says, still staring at - well, he doesn't know what he's staring at, exactly, but it's not a red Buddha statue.

'Jared,' Jensen says calmly, but Jared can tell he's worried. 'There's nothing there. There has never been.'

'And that doesn't freak you out?' Jared asks, eyes wide with panic. 'The fact that there's a giant big gaping hole at the end of your living room?'

Jensen shrugs. 'Never really thought about it, I guess.'

'Well,' Jared starts, but then he looks around the room again and everything seems out of focus now. It's still there - the framed pictures of Jensen's family, the little league trophy he won when he was six, the handmade tapestry that Jared hung up just a few hours before - but it's blotted and vague, like he's looking at it without glasses on. And then it clicks. 'No. No no no.'

'No what?' Jensen asks. He puts a hand on Jared shoulder and that, at least, grounds him for a moment. The rest might be fading out, but Jensen's still there. For now.

'They're trying to take you from me,' Jared says, hardly getting enough air into his lungs to get out the words.

'What? Who is?' Jensen pulls a face.

'The agency - doctor Morgan and his -' Jared turns to Jensen then and looks him in the eyes. What the hell is he doing? He doesn't want to lose Jensen - how could he? Jensen is the best thing that ever happened to him. 'I'm so sorry, Jensen. I am so sorry. I was angry and hurt and I didn't know what I was doing. I-'

'Hey, hey. I'm here,' Jensen says, voice soothing and hands running over Jared's arms. 'I don't know what's freaking you out, but we'll work it out, okay. Let's just sit down and -'

'No, we can't sit down,' Jared says hastily. 'If we sit down you're gone. They're erasing you from my memory, Jensen.'

'What?' Jensen raises his eyebrows. 'Sasquatch, come on, that's -'

'I know, I know it sounds ridiculous, but seriously, that's what's happening,' he says, inspecting every corner of the room, looking for a way out or something that might at least buy them some time. 'I'll explain it to you later, but right now, we have to get out of here. This memory is about to go.'

'Okay,' Jensen says, clearly going along with it just to humor Jared. 'So what do we do?'

'I don't know, I don't know how to stop this,' Jared says, pulling his hair, and then he just starts yelling, hoping someone can hear him. 'Stop! Stop it! I don't want it anymore! I don't wanna lose -'

He stops dead when he sees that everything has lost color. The floor, the curtains, the walls, even the view outside the windows, everything; white paper and black outlines, just like a drawing that needs coloring in.

'What just happened?' Jensen asks, confused.

'You saw that, right?' Jared asks in reply. 'You noticed. That's what's happening. They take each of my memories of you and break them down, bit by bit, until there's nothing left.'

'Why? Why the hell would you let them do that?' Jensen frowns at him, throws his hands up in the air.

'You tell me, you did it first,' he says evenly.

'Oh.' Jensen sags, slumps his shoulders and drops into the couch - or what used to be the couch, at least. They're quiet for a moment, until Jensen says, 'So they're erasing your memories of me, right?'

'Yep.'

'Just those. Just the ones you have of me,' he asks, eyes wide with excitement, like there's an idea forming in his head. 'The others remain untouched, right?'

'That's what the doctor told me.' Jared sighs. 'I'm sorry, Jen, I -'

'Then hide me in one of those.' Jensen says it like it's the most logical and simple thing he's ever heard. Like it's adding two and two together. 'If they won't touch the memories I'm not in, I should be safe there, right?'

Jared smiles, runs over to Jensen and kisses him full on the lips before he thinks about it. 'That's genius. But how do we do that?'

'Just take my hand,' Jensen gets up and weaves his fingers through Jared, squeezes hard for a moment, 'and focus really hard on a time when I wasn't there.'

Jared takes another step closer, as close as he can get without pushing Jensen over, until their bodies are pressed together from top to bottom. 'I don't wanna lose you, Jensen.'

'Then let's make sure that doesn't happen,' Jensen says reassuringly. 'Now focus.'

> **8a.**

Jared's lying in bed face smushed in his pillow and struggling for breath. He feels Jensen next to him, holding his hand and it's the strangest thing, because Jensen wasn't there. That's exactly why Jared is on his bed, in the same clothes he's worn for the past week, feeling strangely apathetic as to whether the pillow's going to choke him or not.

A cry escapes him, there are tears running down his face and into the cotton cover that smells like sweat and greasy hair and salt. He doesn't understand. He remembers waking up, attempting to take the dogs for a walk and not getting any further than the front door, then coming back up and crawling back into bed. He'd looked in the mirror on his way in and saw that his roots were showing, about a centimeter's worth of brown hair against the orange he'd dyed it a while ago. It looks ridiculous, like someone cracked open his head. He feels like it too.

'Hey, Jared,' Jensen asks suddenly, and Jared jumps up. He'd forgotten Jensen was there. Because Jensen wasn't there. 'What's all this about?'

'You,' he chokes out, but he's not sure what he means by it. 'You left.'

'No, I'm right here, Jay,' he says and he squeezes Jared's hand as if to remind him of it. 'And we're trying to keep it that way, remember?'

'No,' Jared says vehemently, 'no, you're gone, Jensen. You're not here, I'm sure of it. It's the reason why I look like a hobo. I can't even take out the dogs, for God's sake.'

Jensen's eyes dart to the kitchen-slash-living room and back to Jared. 'Speaking of, where are they?'

'They who?' Jared asks, puzzled and already turning to lie back down on the pillow. He has to lie back down, he knows it. It's all he wants, just lie down and sleep and forget all about Jensen who is - sitting right there.

What?

'Your dogs, Jared,' Jensen bites out. 'Your dogs. Remember them? Huge mutts that you share ice-cream with? Jesus, you're not having them wiped too, are you?'

'Wiped?' Jared parrots.

'Yes, like a floppy,' Jensen tells him, agitated. 'You asked some weirdo doctor to get me out of your head but neither of us actually wants that, so we're trying to stop it.'

'But you broke up with me,' Jared says quietly, unable to shake the feeling that something here is fundamentally wrong.

'Yes, that is why you wanted me out of your head,' Jensen says and leans over him. 'Any of this coming back to you?'

'Vaguely, maybe.' Jared frowns. It does kind of sound stupid enough for him to do. He squeezes his eyes closed and concentrates really hard. 'We were running. I brought you into a memory you weren't in.'

'That was the plan, yes, but I'm still in this,' Jensen says and gestures at the room. 'Not physically, but, Jesus, Jared. This is all about me.'

'Sorry.' Jared shrugs, using his dirty sleeve to wipe the tears off his face. 'When you said a time when you weren't there, this is the first thing that popped into my head.'

Jensen just looks at him, stares at him for a moment, and he looks just as heartbroken as Jared feels. 'I'm sorry too.'

'We gotta get out,' Jared says, suddenly feeling the urgency of the situation. They have to run, now, or he _will_ lose Jensen, forever.

'We do,' Jensen agrees. 'Hide me somewhere else, somewhere not after the break-up, but like, sometime before we met. If you don't know me yet, I can't possibly be around in the memory, so that should work, right?'

'Right.' Jared nods, thinking fast. It's hard, trying to think of a time when he didn't yet know Jensen. He's been such an important and huge part of his life that Jared has to try really to remember what it had been like before him. 'Like, college? You weren't around in college.'

'Go for it,' Jensen says. He sounds nervous.

When Jared looks around, he can understand why. This memory too, is collapsing: the walls are gone, completely gone, and there's nothing beyond where they used to be. It's not black or white or grey, it's just not there, as if Jared's senses just can't pick up anything beyond where they think the walls used to be.

'You need to hurry up, Sasquatch,' Jensen presses. 'I don't think we can stick around here too long anymore.'

Jared nods, but it's easier said than done. They'll go back to his student days, fine, but he has to pick one specific memory to take Jensen into and he's being bombarded with millions of vague instances that he think might have happened when he was in college, all the while trying to remember that Jensen has to stick around, as well. He finally settles on one - knows it working when rain slowly starts drizzling into his bedroom - the moment he feels the floor disappear underneath his feet.

> **8b.**

It's not college they end up in, but primary school. Jared hated primary school, and primary school hated him.

That's why he's standing all alone in the middle of the playground, in the pouring rain, without a hood on his jacket because it comes off with a zipper and the other kids stole it from him before recess. He's pulled his jacket over his head, but now his sweater and pants are all wet, too.

His classmates are all huddled together, wearing plastic capes, hiding underneath tiny umbrellas. He wasn't welcome to hide with them, because he was too big to fit. One of the girls, Alexis, is running around with his hood on his head, pulling it down over her eyes and yelling, 'Look how big it is! I can't even see! I bet we could all fit inhere!'

Their teacher, miss Samantha, is sweet, she's always nice to him, but she doesn't hear the others yell at him. She seems to think he's a loner and just doesn't fit into the group.

He doesn't fit in, not really. He's taller than anyone in his class. He's even taller than Toby, who plays basketball, by about a head. The doctor said he's not done growing yet, not by a long shot. And that's weird, even Jared thinks it's true. So that's why he doesn't say anything about it. He could easily go over to Alexis and pluck that hood right off her head, but he can't get angry about something that's true, right?

'Hey, Sasquatch!' Katie yells. She used to have a crush on him, back when she didn't need a chair to get to eye-level with him. But then he got that growth spurt and she got with Gabriel, who's just a bit shorter than her. 'What happened? Did you wet your pants?'

Jared looks down and sees that his jeans are soaked through at the zipper, where the water kept dripping off his jacket. He just shrugs, hopes that if he doesn't say anything they'll go away faster.

Then Jake runs past and sees the big puddle Jared's standing next to. Jared sees the yellow rubber boots on his feet and he already knows what's going to happen, but he still doesn't move. Jake jumps right in, of course, splashing rain all over him. He's sopping wet from head to toe - not a dry inch on him, not even his underwear. He feels the water slowly seep further into his clothes, feels a few drops run down his legs and into his shoes. They squish when he wiggles his toes.

'Oh wow, Sasquatch. You had to go real bad, didn't you?' Jake cackles.

Alexis comes over now too. It's slowly but surely stopped raining, so she's takes off his hood as she gets closer. 'Kept me nice and dry, Sasquatch. You can have it back now,' she says, jumping up and putting it on his head. It's inside out, so all the rain drops that were still caught on the fabric are dripping down into his hair. It itches. She doesn't let go of it, though, and because she is so much smaller than him, she pulls him right down. He loses his balance completely and falls over, right into the puddle Jake's still standing in.

At this point, it doesn't really matter anymore. He couldn't get more wet even if he jumped into a pool, so Jared thinks his chance to get angry with his classmates has long passed, as well. He just sighs.

Suddenly, there's a hand in front of him, offering help. It stops him in his tracks. Jared has never been offered a hand, not even from the older kids or the teacher. But somehow, he knows he can trust this hand, knows it's not one that's going to push him even further down, but one that will actually help him up - so he accepts it.

'They call you Sasquatch,' the boy says. Jared finally looks at him now. He seems nice, tiny freckles dusted over his cheeks that have turned pink from the cold. He's got hair that's so blond it's almost white and a bowl cut that makes him look a bit dorky. He's not tall either, but he doesn't seem to mind that Jared is.

'It's because I'm so big,' Jared tells him.

'I figured that much out for myself, funnily enough,' the boy says, and it only then hits Jared that this is Jensen, smuggled into the memory with him. 'You never told me, Jay.'

'Kids can be mean,' he says and shrugs. It's weird, he's talking to Jensen like they're them - like they're the grown-ups in the real world that loved each other, but they don't look like it, and they don't sound like it either. 'I didn't think it mattered.'

' _I_ call you Sasquatch,' Jensen says loudly. 'Christ, Jay, I never would've done it if I knew they used to bully you around with it. I'm so sorry.'

'No,' Jared says quickly. 'I never - I liked it. You said it in a way that made me feel it was okay to be this tall, you know? It didn't sound bad at all when you said it.'

'Because it's not bad,' Jensen tells him and squeezes his hand. Jared didn't even realize he was still holding it. 'It's really good, Sasquatch.'

'Oooh,' the other kids coo as they see the two of them.

'Who's that?' Alexis yells. 'Is he your boyfriend?'

Jared smiles at her question, suddenly feeling his age - he's twenty-seven, and he's being bullied by an eight-year-old. Time to stop being ridiculous. 'Actually,' he says, towering over her. 'He is.'

He hears Jensen chuckle, but then he blinks and everyone's gone. The school's entirely abandoned, there's no one's left except for him and Jensen.

'This is not good,' Jensen says drily. 'How can they have found us again so soon?'

'I don't know, but I don't want to find out,' Jared says, already thinking hard, trying to remember another time and place he can take Jensen to.

'So where to next?' Jensen asks.

'I got it,' Jared cries out triumphantly. 'Stay close!'

> **8c.**

'No, you have to stay close, or you'll never find your way,' Jared urges. They're trudging through the woods close to nana Padalecki's house. He loves it. He knows every inch of it by heart, since he's been exploring it ever since he was five. He knows where to find squirrels, knows the different kinds of trees there are, knows where the little pond with the tadpoles is.

'But I'm tired, Jay,' Jensen whines. They're still kids, just a little bit older. Jensen looks less dorky, Jared less lanky, but they're far from being grown-ups. Jared remembers the setting well, though, he was about thirteen at the time. 'Where are we going, anyway?'

'Just wait and see!' he calls.

After a few minutes, they stop in front of a big tree, with planks of wood nailed to the side.

'What's this?' Jensen asks, out of breath from almost running past the trees and bushes.

'It's my tree house!' Jared exclaims excitedly. 'I made it together with Jeff and my dad. It's amazing.'

The inside is not entirely as he remembers it, if he's honest. He's not sure he remembers building that bar over there. Doesn't remember putting in all the chairs, either, and he didn't really think it could hold so many people. But he's seeing it with his own eyes now, so it must be true.

And Mike and Tom are there, as well.

'Jared!' Tom yells happily, offering him a Guinness as Mike slaps him on the back. Jared almost tells him he's not old enough to drink, but really, he'd be stupid if he did, so he manages to keep quiet and hopes he doesn't look as conspicuous as he feels.

'You and Jen! A year! Who'd have guessed!' He can hear from Mike's slurring that he's had a couple of car bombs himself and he relaxes. 'I hope he got you something nice?'

'Oh,' Jared says, looks at Jensen - who's watching him calmly and intently - and looks right back down again. 'We're not - we don't really do that kind of stuff.'

'Come on, Sasquatch,' Jensen says, smiling. It seems like puberty has made his freckles stand out even more, and he wears them like no one ever could. 'You think that after that painting you made for me, I didn't have anything to give you?'

He winks as he takes one hand out of his pocket and takes out two tickets to something. He raises his eyebrows at him, waiting for an answer, but Jared can't even read what's on them. He has to take a few steps closer before he can actually see that it says Burning Man Festival.

Jared doesn't even know if he still remembers how to speak. Ever since he first heard about it, he's been wanting to go so badly, but he never really could get enough money together to make it to Nevada, let alone to afford the tickets or to even stay at the festival.

He doesn't really have tears in his eyes. Really.

'Jared honey!' a voice calls from outside, just as he's about to kiss and hug Jensen to death. 'Your auntie and uncle have just arrived! They want you to come and meet the baby!'

'The what?' Jared asks, confused. 'Who is that?'

'Er,' Jensen says, frowning. 'I think that's your mom. This clearly isn't working either, Jared. We're in two memories at once.'

Jared puts down his pint of Guinness and looks at his hands. They're not teenager hands anymore, there's paint underneath his nails and a bracelet on his right wrist that he got in Mexico, when he was twenty-four. 'I'm me,' he breathes, then looks back at Jensen - the Jensen he's always known. 'You're you.'

'They found us again,' he says dejectedly.

Jared feels they've already got rid of quite a big part of this memory. Mike's standing with his back to them, but no matter how often Jared keeps running circles around him, that never changes. All he can see is big shoulders and a bald, shiny head.

It's one of the only things that's shiny in the room, though. Outside, it seems to have gotten dark and inside the tree house, it's not much better: the wood looks dull and dirty, the counter aged, and the people in there are nothing more than shadows, colors slowly fading, together with their eyes and ears and lips. Jared can barely hear anything anymore, not even Jensen. When he focuses really hard, though, Jensen seems to gradually come back to him, like he's trying to find a radio station through the static.

'I'm not gonna give up,' he says eventually.

'So what are we gonna do?' Jensen asks, voice slightly out of sync with his lips.

'We're gonna run.'

And so they run. They run everywhere - everywhen. Jared sees his seventh birthday flash by, sees the day his parents told him he was gonna be a big brother. He drags Jensen through his first kiss (with a girl), through seven different countries, through a thousand different hair colors. They go through innumerable ordinary days that Jared didn't even think he remembered, and he rushes through moments he could never forget. They never stand still, never take a second to stop and they never let go of each other.

Until they can't do it anymore.

'Jared,' Jensen pants, loosening the grip on Jared's hand. 'Jared, I can't -'

'We have to,' Jared says, gasping for breath as well. 'They're gonna take you from me.'

'They're going to do it anyway, Jay.' He slows down and finally stops, making Jared stop with him. 'They've found us wherever we went. God knows how many memories of yours they fucked up by now, even the ones I'm not in. You don't want that.'

'I wanna lose you less,' Jared says immediately, pulling for Jensen to follow him again.

'So you're okay with losing memories of becoming an uncle? Or of your trip through Asia? Or Harley and Sadie?' Jensen says, throwing up his arms. 'And what about Sandy?'

Jared's quiet for a moment. He wants to say he doesn't care, that all those things added up together aren't even close to how much Jensen means to him, but that would be a lie. He loves Jensen, more than he could put to words, but he loves his niece and his dogs and Sandy too. Maybe not as much, but it's close.

Jensen knows, as well. 'You're gonna lose me, Jay,' he says, voice rough and sad. 'You don't have to lose all the others too.'

'Fuck,' Jared says and doubles over, trying to get enough air into his lungs. 'I can't tell you how sorry I am, Jensen. I'm so stupid.'

'Don't be, Jared.' Jensen walks over to him, crouches down so he can look him in the eye and puts a hand on his shoulder. 'I am the one who should be sorry, I did it first.'

'Yeah.' He's panting again, but he's pretty sure he's not still out of breath from running. He can't believe this is actually happening. 'Still.'

'No,' Jensen says, adamant. 'I don't know what drove me to it, Jared, but I can only imagine it's because I couldn't stand knowing what I was missing.'

'God, I love you,' Jared whispers and leans forward, hugging Jensen, pulling him so close he's pretty sure that if this Jensen were real, he'd be complaining about not being able to breathe.

'And I you,' Jensen whispers in his ear instead. Jared can hear his smile.

'So what do we do now?' Jared asks as he finally lets go.

'Just go with it, I suppose.' Jensen shrugs. 'Just roll with the memories and enjoy them while we still can?'

'I think I can do that,' Jared admits and kisses him, wishing he'd never let Jensen go, but had married him instead.

> **8d.**

The music is awful, just plain awful. If he ever gets married, that guy is most definitely not welcome at the party. Jared's a dancer. He loves dancing and he can dance to pretty much anything, even if he's not a good dancer at all. And he got a couple of good moves in, during the first few songs when it was just him and another handful of single guys on the floor, all doing their thing. But then this lousy, ridiculous deejay decided there weren't enough couples dancing and he played three consecutive waltzes, and after that a string of hideously romantic slow-dancing songs. 

'So what do you think?' someone suddenly yells in his ear.

Jared turns around to look and sees one of the most handsome men he's ever seen. He remembers him from before, Tom introduced them at the reception. The guy was someone he worked with, but Jared can't for the life of him recollect his name. He's pretty sure he didn't even catch it when Tom mentioned it, he was too distracted by his eyes.

He's still looking at Jared as if he's expecting an answer.

'What?'

'What do you think?' he asks again, grinning. He points at the deejay. 'About the music?'

'Horrible up until now,' Jared answers, voice raised to drown out the noise. 'If he plays one more ballad, I'm gonna rough up his disco-lights.'

The guy laughs, loudly and heartily. It's a beautiful sound, even with Bryan Adams in the background, and he'd do anything to hear it again, only he has no idea how he got it out of him in the first place.

They're quiet for another couple of minutes, as they wait for the song to finish, but Tom's colleague isn't showing any intention of leaving. Just as he's about to ask for his name, the deejay announces next up is 'Eternal Flame' by the Bangles. They both groan and roll their eyes.

'That does it,' he says at the same time Jared asks, 'Really? That's what he went with?'

'God, I hate this song,' the guy confides in him. 'My sister used to make us listen to it over and over and over. Everything around when I was ten years old is intrinsically tied to this. I didn't like being ten.'

'Right,' Jared says, eyebrows raised. He's not sure what to say - and that doesn't happen often - to a complete stranger sharing with him. 'Sucks, man.'

'Don't I know it.' He smiles. 'It was Jared, wasn't it?'

'Yep,' he confirms. 'I'm sorry, but Tom introduced me to a million people today and I'm terrible with names.'

'Jensen,' he says happily. 'Don't worry about it. You friends with Tom?'

'And Mike,' Jared says. 'I knew him first, actually.'

That's where he leaves it. God knows why. Jared isn't usually this socially retarded. He's good at talking to people, but there's something strange about the way this Jensen is looking at him. He's just passing time, probably, trying to talk to Jared. He's probably just waiting for his boyfriend (or girlfriend) to get him a piece of the cake.

'Oh,' Jensen says and nods.

Jensen doesn't leave, though, and no one comes to bring him cake. He just keeps standing next to Jared, as if that's where he should be - like they came to the wedding together. Jared glances at him every couple of seconds, but he doesn't even seem like he minds the silence between them. So Jared keeps quiet for as long as he can bear it too.

Which isn't very long, he's still Jared.

'So,' he says awkwardly, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. He's still staring out into the venue, watching all the people dance and talk. He's not even surprised they don't have faces anymore, they're just smudged skin-colored blots with something that vaguely resembles hair. They look like sketches that no one intends to finish.'This is probably the last time we're gonna talk, ever. Which is weird, considering this is also the first time we talked.'

'And what a crap conversation it was,' Jensen says, smiling. 'You didn't even know what to say.'

'I was head over heels for you already,' Jared admits with a shrug. 'I had no idea why you were even talking to me. I thought you were too good to be true.'

'Yeah, so were you.' Jensen laughs and shakes his head. 'Purple hair to a wedding?'

'It matched the flowers!' Jared says, insulted, but then he smiles. 'Besides, it was always a good conversation-starter, wasn't it?'

Jensen nods. 'True, we did talk about your hair, for like a minute.'

'Right before you got me a drink,' Jared adds.

'You took it and you ran off,' Jensen says. 'I had no idea why.'

'I was confused,' Jared admits, shuffling his feet and looking down at them.

'I thought it was something I'd said.' Jensen turns to him, green eyes boring into him, as if he's looking for an answer there.

'Jensen, you were easily the best-looking guy at the entire wedding.' Jared shrugs. 'I was the guy with the purple hair. I just - I didn't understand why you'd come to talk to me, out of all the interesting people there.'

'I wish you hadn't run,' Jensen says after a moment. 'Things might've gone differently.'

'I wish I hadn't run,' Jared agrees. 'I wish I'd done a lot of things differently. I wish I hadn't spent the rest of the night creepily hovering around you without saying a word. Or got in touch with you sooner.'

'You didn't even say goodbye.'

'You didn't either,' Jared shoots back.

'Touché.' Jensen smiles, but it's a sad one. 'We should have a goodbye now. If this is the last time we talk. We should say goodbye.'

'We don't,'Jared says, feeling just as sad as Jensen looks. 'This is where I turn around, there's nothing left.'

'Then let's make one up,' Jensen prompts. He turns his entire body towards Jared, looks up at him, eyes big and glassy. 'Goodbye, Sasquatch. It was good, right?'

Jared only half notices how everything around them has disappeared, how they're standing in a sea of black nothingness with just one spotlight fixed on the two of them. That's all there's left and he doesn't even think it's that wrong. In the end, this is happening because Jensen is really all that ever mattered to Jared - he still is - and Jared's sad to think that tomorrow, he won't even know who Jensen is.

'It was.' He tries talking around the lump in his throat, and he succeeds, but he still sounds like he's choking. 'I love you, Jensen.'

Jared wants to touch him so badly right now. Kiss him or even just put a hand on his arm, he doesn't care. If he could just feel Jensen's skin on his for only a second, just so he knows that this is not his imagination, that Jensen really is really and really does exist - that he will still exist when Jared wakes up in the morning. But he didn't touch him then, so he doesn't now.

Jensen takes one step closer, as close as the memory will let him, his face is serious and solemn. 'I'll find you,' he says and it almost sounds as if he's begging, imploring Jared to be somewhere he might run into him.

And then he's gone and Jared dreams of owning an ice-cream powered car and stopping to let toads cross the road.


	3. part three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written in 2011 for [spn_cinema](http://spn_cinema.livejournal.com). beautiful artwork by [amie](http://amindaya.livejournal.com) can be found [here](http://amindaya.livejournal.com/12235.html).

> **9.**

Jared groans as he wakes up and slowly drags himself into consciousness, feeling like he's in hell. Actually, that's a lie, he feels worse than that, he just doesn't know the word for it. But it feels like he's been turned inside out, hauled over broken glass and then only half turned back - all messed up and useless.

Jesus Christ, what the hell did he drink last night? Whatever it is, he's never having it ever again.

He sits up slowly and tries to ignore the pounding in his head or the turning of his stomach. At first he thinks there's something wrong with his eyes too, because the walls are definitely not the color he painted them when he moved in. But when he blinks a few times, he realizes that, no, it's not his eyes. The walls have actually turned green overnight. Perhaps it's the paint fumes he's high on.

Man, if this is an Extreme Make-over, it's the quickest and lousiest edition he's ever seen. And they could've just sent him to a spa instead of giving him alcohol poisoning.

He tries to get up, out of bed, but very quickly changes his mind. The throbbing in his head gets so bad he can actually _hear_ it.

Just then he gets a text. He rolls over slowly towards the nightstand and grabs his cell. It's from Mike.

> _YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE. HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?_

Jared calls him back immediately, if only to get a bit of an explanation of what went on last night, but Mike doesn't answer. So he just leaves a message on his voice mail.

'Hey Mike,' he says, and he only then notices his throat's dry, as if he's been screaming or crying. 'Look, man, I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'm pretty sure you've got a good reason for being angry. So for whatever it is I did, I'm real sorry, man. Just, don't ever let me drink again. I don't know what I've been up to, but my walls are now green all of a sudden, and I'm pretty sure I don't like it. See you around. Hopefully.'

He calls in sick to work a few minutes later, and is left staring at his phone for a while after Francine basically laughs at him and says they weren't expecting him in ever again. It's not that he's never been fired before, but never so rudely or suddenly and never from a job that he was actually good at. He was the one that quit, usually.

But whatever, he's got a day of nothing ahead of him, and that's probably a good thing, since he's pretty sure the toilet bowl will be his best friend today. He flops back down on the bed and is asleep before his head even hits the pillow.

*

When Jared said he'd never drink ever again, he might have been exaggerating. Surely, in some circumstances, drinks are justified and even mandatory. Like when you walk through your own apartment that doesn't even look like it's yours anymore because the walls have suddenly changed color, and you discover that half your stuff is missing. Or when the half that you do have in said apartment, is comprised of stuff that you don't even remember buying or making. There are paintings that he must have painted just a couple of weeks ago that are completely foreign to him - but he recognizes his autograph, sees that the same paint is still on his brushes, so he knows they're his. 

That's not even the worst part. The worst was without a doubt when he got up to vomit, passed a mirror and didn't even recognize _himself_. He doesn't know exactly when he last dyed his hair, and he doesn't know what color he chose, but he's pretty sure it can't have washed out already. Yet there he was, with plain, boring, floppy brown hair hanging drearily down to his ears. Like he wasn't nauseous enough to start with.

So yeah, saying that Jared needs a drink is an understatement. He's not even ashamed about it.

That's why he's in the Irish pub a couple blocks down. Jared's life isn't regular, he doesn't repeat anything - not actions, not words, not himself - and he likes it that way. But this Irish pub, Jared doesn't know why, it just draws him in every time. There's something about it that just feels a tiny bit like home to him. And he really likes Guinness and this is the only place in the city that knows how to serve it properly.

It's also a great place for hanging out on your own when you don't want to be bothered, which is exactly what Jared is looking for, right now, just a few hours to unwind and to try and remember everything that passed in the last twenty-four hours.

But he can feel someone's eyes burning into his back, and he has been feeling it for a while. When he turns around to look for the culprit, ready to tell them off for ruining his me-time, he has to back into the bar so he wouldn't be chest to chest with the guy. He's that close. Although, honestly, Jared wouldn't mind, he's pretty good-looking. He's quite tall and blond with blue eyes that sparkle mischievously. He's wearing a white shirt and black slacks and Jared's pretty sure he's got a fantastic body underneath. The guy flashes him a lazy grin.

'So, what do you think?' he asks.

Jared's taken aback for a moment. 'Er,' he stammers, leaning into the bar still. It's starting to hurt where the wood is digging into his skin. 'About what?'

'The music,' the guy answers, as if it's obvious.

'It's okay, I guess?' Jared shrugs. 'Everyone likes U2, I suppose.'

'Absolutely. Not good for dancing, though,' he says and laughs. He holds out his hand for Jared to shake. 'Chad. Chad Michael Murray.'

'Jared,' he says and smiles back. 'That's quite a mouthful.'

'That's not the only thing about me that is,' Chad tells him and winks. Before Jared even has a chance to be slightly embarrassed by that comment, he's already changed the subject. 'I like your hair, man.'

'My hair?' he asks, one hand automatically reaching up to touch it. 'You do?'

'Yeah.' He pulls a face as if it should've been obvious. 'It's a great color on you. It's awesome.'

'Thanks, I think,' he says hesitantly. 'It's just my natural color.'

'It's great,' Chad says again. 'Can I get you a drink?'

'Sure.' Jared nods. 'Another Guinness, if that's alright.'

'One Guinness, coming up.' He winks again before moving away to order. As he does, he calls out, 'Don't run away from me once I get it, though.'

This guy is really weird and something about him just strikes Jared as off - as if he's reading out words in a script and trying too hard. But hey, he's great to look at and Jared wouldn't really mind seeing what else is quite a mouthful about him, if he has to be honest about it.

> **10.**

Jared does find out (Chad was _not_ exaggerating) - he finds out a lot more about him too. The morning after, they exchanged phone numbers and before Jared even made it home, Chad called him to ask him out again.

He doesn't normally do this, doesn't like doing it, because people get attached and he doesn't. He doesn't stay around, he moves on once he's bored and he doesn't want to explain all that to Chad. But they had a good night, and there's something really endearing about how hard he's trying to get Jared's attention, he just doesn't have the heart to say no.

So they meet up again. And again. And again. And before Jared's even understood what's going on, he's pretty much in a relationship with him. It's not that he doesn't feel the need to move away or go for a change. But Chad keeps coming up with trips and films and books. Everything he does and says is just all so very tailored to Jared's interests - to Jared's life - that it's really hard to say goodbye.

It's never really perfect, though. Jared can't help but notice how the details are never right, like he buys him hair-dye, but it's the wrong brand and the wrong color. He gets blank canvasses but they're the wrong size. He's nearly ecstatic when Jared shows him his big red Buddha statue, but when Jared asks if he's interested in religion, he rolls his eyes. They're small things, he knows, but he has to try really hard to look past them. Jared supposes it's a self-preservation thing, that he's looking for a reason to leave and perhaps that should be reason enough. But on the other hand, it seems this guy knows enough to keep him intrigued, and that's never happened before either.

And even if he doesn't really feel as passionately about Chad as he seems to do about him, he can't really let this one go, can he?

*

Sandy seems to think he can, and she reminds him of that fact as often as she can. Even as she's lying on the ethnic bean bag that Chad bought him yesterday. He bought matching chairs, as well, and he cleaned up the apartment, all the while saying he didn't want Jared to live in such a hazardous, messy place. Jared doesn't know how he feels about that.

'I just don't like him, Jared,' she says with a shrug, like she hasn't said it a million times before.

'I know you don't,' he tells her, annoyed. 'If you would explain why, then maybe we'd get somewhere.'

'I can't -' she starts to say, but then she closes her mouth, shoulders sagging and looks at him. He just looks right back until she starts talking again. She sounds calm and defeated, now. 'He just, he reminds me of someone I used to know. And not in a good way.'

'Someone you didn't like?' Jared asks, sitting up straight now, every hint of irritation forgotten. If someone's hurt Sandy without him knowing about it, it's high time that changed.

'No, not at all,' she says quickly. 'It's someone I liked very much, actually. Chad just seems like a cheap knock-off of him.'

'So you're saying I should dump him because you knew someone a while back that you liked better?' Jared asks, frowning. 'That's crazy, San, you never think anyone is good enough. I'd stay single forever if it was for you.'

'Come on, Jared. Are you seriously planning on staying with him for the rest of your life?' She looks at him expectantly, eyes wide and eyebrows raised. 'Why do you want to stay with him so bad? Are you in love with him?'

'In love?' Jared repeats, almost shocked. He hadn't even thought about it, but now he is, he thinks it's safe to say that no, he does not love Chad Michael Murray. There's just something about him that makes him feel wary and charmed at the same time. Eventually, he goes with, 'He's - he's intriguing.'

'Lots of people are intriguing in this world,' Sandy counters immediately. 'Doesn't mean you have start a relationship with all of them. I just feel like you're wasting your time with this guy. He's a bit too slick and too accommodating and really, he creeps me the fuck out.'

Jared can't help laughing. 'Jesus, San. I'm never gonna find anyone if you keep judging them like this. I'm sure there isn't anyone on the planet that pleases the both of us.'

'I'm sure that there is,' she says solemnly and Jared gets the feeling there's more to that statement than she's telling him. She looks quiet and sad for a moment. 'There is a guy out there for you, I know that. I just hope you find him. But to be honest, I'm not sure you'd recognize him if he punched you in the face.'

Jared laughs again, but he's not so convinced this is funny anymore. He doesn't forget about their conversation, at all, and keeps mulling it over even days later. Surely Sandy was speaking hypothetically?

> **11.**

'Y'all ready?' he asks by way of greeting when Tom opens the door. Honestly, he was pretty surprised to get their call. It had been a while since he'd heard from either him or Mike, but he's glad they invited him. 'I think Chad's already waiting for us at the bar.'

Tom gestures at him to wait before darting up the stairs. 'Just gotta - one sec!'

'So Chad's coming?' Mike asks, propping up the collar on his shirt. He looks like a douche and he's going to stand out in the pub they're going to, but Jared doesn't tell him. He gave that up a long time ago.

'Yep,' Jared says, letting himself in since no one's asking. 'We've been dating for a while. It's about time you got to know him.'

'You like him that much?' Tom asks, coming down and putting on his blazer.

Jesus Christ, have these men ever been to an Irish pub? They're going to look ridiculous. 'He's great. We have a lot of fun together,' Jared shrugs, but he can't ignore how the hairs at the back of his neck are standing on end as he says it. 'He took me to the Burning Man festival last week, it was amazing. I have no idea how he knew I always wanted to go.'

Tom and Mike exchange glances quickly, like they're worried about something. Mike forces a smile and Tom says, 'That's great, Jay,' in a voice that's just as convincing as the expression on Mike's face.

'What is it?' Jared asks, frowning. 'Something wrong?'

'No, not at all,' Mike says hesitantly. 'Just, don't - You haven't known this Chad that long. Don't get carried away.'

'Man. Not you guys too. Sandy's been giving me hell over this.'

They don't reply, Mike just shrugs and gives him a look that clearly says he thinks Sandy's right.

'Listen, when do I ever get carried away?' Jared says finally, and then sighs heavily. 'It's good for now. I'm not saying we should start planning the wedding or anything, but it's good for now. And I hate weddings anyway.'

'Er,' Tom says, looking confused. 'Like you hated ours?'

'Your what?' Jared has no idea what he's talking about.

'Our wedding?'

'You guys are married?' Jared asks. Mike just throws him a look that says he's clearly unimpressed and then points at a big photo of him and Tom on the wall, both of them in tuxedo's, laughing at the camera happily. Jared shakes his head. 'Yeah. Of course you are. Sure. I don't know how that slipped my mind.'

Tom runs a hand over his face and sighs deeply. 'God, you were there, Jared, you actually took that damn photo. Seems like these days, the only two people who remember anything about it is me and Mike.'

'I'm not sure I know what that means,' Jared says, puzzled.

'You know what, I'm sorry,' Tom says, not looking him in the eyes. 'I'm not feeling it, I don't want to go out anymore. You guys go ahead and have fun.'

*

It seems that Tom and Mike really are married, because the moment Tom said he wasn't coming along, Mike decided to stay home, as well. So that just leaves him and Chad, who was already waiting for him in the Irish pub.

It's an okay night - Chad lets him do most of the talking and God knows Jared's really good at it, but he can't help but think that it would've been a lot more fun if Tom and Mike had been there. Not only because they're just as good at storytelling as he is, but also because he hasn't really seen them ever since the wall-painting-incident and he feels like they've been weird around him ever since. He'd really like a chance to make up for any and all stupid things he's done - and they were probably many.

When Chad suggests getting them some more drinks, Jared gladly offers to go up to the bar. To be honest, he's glad to be away from Chad's idolizing looks and admiring glances. He has no idea why he keeps looking at Jared like he's the second coming, but it's really starting to freak him out. It's good to know he's being appreciated, but this is just bordering on the absurd.

As he's walking, his eyes scan over the people by the bar. He knows a few of them, has seen them around here before, but there's a couple of new faces in there, as well. One in particular nearly stops Jared dead. There's a guy leaning heavily onto the counter, looking at an empty whiskey-glass like it has all the answers. He's dressed in a dark blue suit, white shirt underneath and he's looking just slightly disheveled - five o'clock shadow on his face, hair slightly messed up, clothes a bit wrinkly as they could only get from sitting behind a desk all day. With pretty much everyone around him wearing a t-shirt or a sweater and jeans, he doesn't fit into the scenery at all - just like Tom and Mike would have done. He clashes with it even, but Jared's pretty sure that even if you put him into a room with a million other people wearing exactly the same clothes, he's still stand out. This guy looks like he's been carved out of marble, and even that's selling him short.

He looks up and their eyes meet for a moment. Jared can almost feel his muscles melt as a bolt of electricity races through his body. That he doesn't collapse right then and there is a miracle in itself.

He winds up standing right next to the man, mouth already dry with just the idea of being so close to him, of being able to talk to him if he wanted it. He glances at him again and the guy nods uncomfortably. That's when it hits Jared that he's standing alone in a pub that he clearly doesn't belong in. If he feels as awkward as he looks, he's probably not gonna hate it if someone talked to him. And he'll be damned if he's going to give anyone else a chance to do it - he can ignore the nerves.

So he turns around and starts talking, hoping that only he can hear the quiver in his voice. 'Dude, I hope you don't mind me saying, but you look a bit out of place, here.'

The guy looks at Jared, eyebrows raised, like he's clearly unimpressed. But then his shoulders sag and he sighs. 'Like a sore thumb, man. I have no idea why I'm in here, to be completely honest with you. I just saw the sign and I'd run in before I even realized what I was doing. I don't even like Guinness.'

'Tough luck,' Jared says with a smile and promptly orders two pints. 'You can't not drink it when you're in an Irish pub.'

'So I've been told,' he says with a nod. He takes Jared in for a moment, before taking a deep breath and offering his hand. 'I'm Jensen.'

'Jared,' he says and shakes it. He can't help smiling as he feels their fingers slide together - they're warm and soft, just a bit smaller than his so they fit perfectly. 'So how are you liking this joint so far.'

'I expected the music to be better,' Jensen says. He sips his beer and licks a bit of foam off his lips. It's obscene. 'Brings back bad memories.'

'I don't think I know this song. Or the band. Who're they?' Jared asks, trying to focus on the music.

'You're kidding, you don't know who this is?' Jensen asks incredulously, pointing at one of the speakers near them.

'Can't say I do,' Jared confirms. He wonders briefly if Jensen's going to be disappointed in him, but then he remembers that he didn't like the song and that that's how they got on this subject in the first place. 'But I suppose I should be happy about that?'

'No, really, you don't know who the Bangles are?' he asks again, green eyes big and wide. 'You're not yanking my chain.'

'Never heard of 'em. Are they big?'

'They used to be,' Jensen answers. He can tell he's still not convinced he's not joking. "Walk like an Egyptian", "Eternal Flame", doesn't ring a bell?'

'Nope. Doesn't really sound like the kind of music I'd enjoy, either,' Jared says and shrugs.

'That's something I can only approve of,' Jensen says with a smile and raises his glass in a toast. 'So you come here often?'

A while later, he's still talking to Jensen. He's got a hard time believing he's managing to string sentences together with this guy so close to him, let alone being able to interest him long enough to talk to him for ten minutes straight. But now that he's got Jensen's attention, he's willing to do pretty much anything to keep it.

'Jay,' he hears, as Chad suddenly shows up next to him, one hand sliding down over his back. 'I was starting to wonder what was taking you so long.'

To be honest, he'd completely forgotten Chad was still waiting for him - or that he was in the pub at all. Jared wants to shrug him off and say something about it, but the way Chad's face falls when he lays eyes on Jensen distracts him. He looks like he's seen a ghost, pale, mouth open and eyes wide as saucers. Jensen's clearly confused, too, his eyes dart from Jared to Chad and back, like he's hoping to find an explanation on their faces.

'Are you okay?' Chad asks Jensen eventually. Jared wants to groan in embarrassment. What the hell kind of question is that?

'I was just about to ask you the same thing,' Jensen remarks, frowning.

'I mean, can I help you?' Chad asks again.

This time, Jared does moan. 'Hey, you wanna do something crazy?' he asks Jensen, ignoring Chad.

Jensen looks at him, face straight, but somehow, Jared can tell he's fighting a smile. 'Like what?'

'I don't know, just something you'd never do,' he says and shrugs. 'Let's just get out of here and see what the world's got in store for us tonight.'

'Sounds tempting,' Jensen says, smile finally breaking through, 'but I'm good right here.'

'Sure, but you'll be better out there,' he says and drags Jensen with him by his sleeve without waiting for an answer.

Chad doesn't call after him.

*

They end up in an abandoned playground, lying on an old rickety merry-go-round that squeaks loudly as they slowly spin around, watching the stars. Not quite as adventurous as Jared had hoped they'd be - he'd tried to get onto a train to the beach, or wanted to drive up to Lake Tahoe - but apparently, this was big enough for Jensen.

'Really?' he'd asked as Jared jumped the fence. 'Jared, we might get tetanus.'

Jared had just laughed and walked on and thankfully, Jensen had only sworn once and then followed him.

'We're not supposed to be inhere, you know,' Jensen says quietly after they've been looking at sky for a while.

'We're not,' Jared admits and then points up, 'but then we wouldn't have seen this.'

Jensen doesn't say anything, he just nods and keeps his eyes focused on the heavens. 'It's beautiful,' he says and sighs. 'I haven't seen stars in so long. I'm always looking straight ahead, never up.'

'I never look ahead,' Jared tells him without thinking.

'I can tell.' Jensen laughs and Jared can't help but join him.

They didn't speak much, not for hours on end. They didn't need to. Just lying there, occasionally putting a foot on the ground to keep them spinning around, and looking - at the stars, at the birds, at each other. And when they felt like it, they talked for a while - not about important things, just silly things, random questions that Jared likes to come up with: if you could be a fruit, which would you be? If you could choose between always being hot or always being cold, what would you choose? What do you think the world would be like if we didn't have religion?

Jensen pretty much never finds an answer, can't ever choose between one thing or another without listing the positives and negatives of each and by the time he's done it, Jared's long bored with that question and he's come up with another. Sometimes they just share a story, something that happened to them, or that they'd like to happen to them or that they wish would've never happened to them - but it's never really deep, never really personal. It's just comfortable and easy and, just, nice.

They don't leave until the sky is starting to turn pink and the stars have long faded away. Jensen nearly falls asleep in the car on the way home, even though it's just a couple of minutes driving to his place. They say goodnight and goodbye, but they don't kiss, don't even touch and they don't exchange numbers.

This will just have to be enough, because Jared isn't. Not for Jensen.

> **12.**

Dinner at Chad's. It feels weird.

Even weirder than it did before. They didn't even talk about the fact that Jared pretty much ditched him in the pub that night. Chad just acts as if nothing even happened, as if it's okay for Jared to treat him like that and it pisses him off.

The more he thinks about it, the more time he spends in Chad's company, the more he feels the need to get out. His skin is literally itching with unease, like it's time for him to shed it and break free of whatever's holding him down.

Chad doesn't notice. He never notices and Jared doesn't understand how a guy that knows his taste and his hobbies and interests better than Jared himself knows them, doesn't even have the faintest idea that something is decidedly wrong between the two of them.

'How's the chicken?' he asks, already prodding his fork in a piece of meat to try himself.

'It's good,' Jared says, quietly and reluctantly. God, even Chad's voice is irritating now.

'Why don't you tell me again about the blue pearly slippers you brought back from Thailand?' he asks, still chewing on the chicken he stole from Jared's plate. 'I always love to hear you tell stories, even if I know only half of what you say is true.'

'I don't really feel like talking a lot,' Jared bites out.

'Oh, come on,' Chad pleads. He takes out the bottle of wine and refills Jared's glass, as if that might change his mind. 'Just one story.'

'I'm just not in the mood right now, okay?' Jared says, swiping a hand through his hair.

'What's wrong, Sasquatch?' he asks, trying to make eye-contact.

'Don't!' The nickname just makes him snap and jump up from the table. 'Don't call me that.'

'Why not?' Chad asks and shrugs, getting up as well. 'I love that you're tall. I love all of you.'

Even though he's not the one that's spoken, the words leave a bitter taste in his mouth. He can't say exactly why it makes his blood boil, he just knows that it's wrong. It's like a song that's been heavily autotuned: it's not off key, but it not right at all and it hurts to listen to.

'Just. God. Stop it,' Jared manages to stutter eventually. 'Stop saying things like that. Stop agreeing with me all the time and stop saying things you think I will like. Jesus.'

'You don't like it?' he asks, as if he really can't believe, as if the idea hadn't even entered his mind. 'But I love you and I accept you for who you are. I don't think my life will make sense without you and your mess.'

'What mess?' Jared asks, panicking slightly. There's just something so fundamentally wrong about the way Chad talks to him, it's actually starting to scare him. 'You cleaned it all up! Do you even know what you're saying?'

'Sasquatch,' he whines and takes a step closer to him. Jared automatically takes a step back.

'I can't -' he pants, still edging away from Chad. 'I can't do this.'

Before he's even finished the sentence, he's out of the apartment and he doesn't stop running until he's made it to his car.

*

'Do I sound like a creepy stalker when I say that I was hoping to find you here?' a voice asks from behind him. He's sitting at the bar in the Irish pub, drinking whatever the barkeep is willing to offer him, and going over everything that happened - the mess he's made.

A shiver runs down his spine as he hears it. He thinks of Chad and feels his lip curl, but when he turns around, it's not Chad standing there. It's Jensen.

'Hi,' is all Jared can think of saying.

'Hi,' Jensen echoes. He's standing about three feet away, looking like he's reluctant to get even an inch closer. He seems nervous. After a moment of tracing an invisible line on the floor with his toe, he clears his throat and says, 'Look, I just want to take you out.'

Jared wants to smile and punch the air, because this is Jensen - he's gorgeous and nice, really nice, and Jared hasn't done a thing to deserve him, but that's what's stopping him too. After what happened with Chad - who was almost too nice to him, who tried to accept him so much he completely lost himself while doing it - Jared just doesn't think he's cut out to be in any kind of relationship. Especially not with someone like Jensen who seems so genuine and open - and therefore easy to hurt.

'I get it, man,' Jared says, shaking his head. 'I seem different and I did something new and exciting for you, but I'm telling you, I'm nothing but trouble. I'm not gonna save you from your monotonous life - in fact, you're probably going to have to do most of the saving. I'm just trying to find my way and failing spectacularly at it, to be honest. And you're gonna get mean because you think I'm not doing anything with my life and I'll probably turn tail and run first chance I get.'

Jensen seems to consider it for a minute, but then he finally looks up, right into Jared's eyes. He'll never get used to how bright and green they are. 'Okay,' he says.

'Okay?' Jared repeats, confused. He must look really weird, because Jensen just bursts out laughing.

Jared can't help the feeling of hope bubbling up inside him. He's given that speech maybe a million times before, and every single time, the guy backed away slowly or made up a stupid excuse to get the hell out of there. Jensen didn't bat an eye, and he doesn't even know anything about Jared.

He doesn't understand, really, why Jensen would be okay with this. He doesn't even understand why he listened to him rant in the first place. But perhaps that's all it takes: this one guy who can take his meltdowns, who can call him on his bullshit if he needs it. Perhaps this Jensen is not one of those guys that needs him for fixing, but the one who can fix him. It's something he wants to believe in so much, it makes his stomach turn, but there's just something about Jensen that makes him think he actually can.

Jared starts laughing too, leaning in closer to Jensen, who does the same, and says, 'Okay.'


End file.
